Rini

I want to use this site more because I really like it in theory but I don't like that there are no "likes" or "reactions". I often read a post and want to acknowledge that I read it but I just don't have the ability in that moment to think of a comment. I also sometimes find it depressing to just post into a void with zero engagement. Possibly an unpopular opinion here, people probably want the site to stay the same/not be like social media?

I have been placed in a cage
Due to various factors and strokes of luck, it is a lovely cage
It is safe and climate-controlled, I can decorate it to my liking
It only has a few bugs
My new cage does not also contain my parents which is a significant improvement
Most caged people have worse cages, usually much worse
I still wish I wasn't caged
I still long to be free
It's not possible with the system we live under

Trying to decide if I should start writing here again. For a while I was more focused on socializing IRL by going to my Unitarian Universalist church weekly and going to events like goth night, zine fest, etc around once a month. However some mental health things have come back making it difficult to do that, so I've been feeling more like socializing online and am trying to figure out the best place to do that. Spacehey got kind of weird with spam and stuff after a while. (Although they released a mobile app so maybe they fixed it?) I like this site a lot for longer-form writing which I have yet to really do despite having my account for like 5+ years due to just lack of energy/inspiration I guess.

Trying Bluesky, public/semi-public Discord servers, and tumblr again. I just miss how easy it used to be for me to find friends online. I'm not sure how much is the internet changing and how much is just me having changed. I wish virtual pet sites still had active forums/forums were still active in general. It's all on Discord which I find overstimulating. The closest thing is reddit I guess which is different.

Logging in here I saw an old post and was reminded to check my neocities guestbook. Apparently people have been finding my site via a site called Wiby.me. I don't remember submitting myself to this. I may have and forgotten, but does that mean someone submitted me? I'm honored. I wonder if it just crawls neocities though. I would really love to work more on my site but about the most hobby stuff I've been managing lately is a few minutes of gaming a day and sometimes sticker by number or coloring pages.

Also I wish this site had the ability to like posts. Yes I know it's from social media but sometimes I just want to acknowledge something but don't have anything to add. It's also hard for me to just post into a void with no interaction at all.

So I remembered this blog actually feeds onto my Neocities page currently (I may make a separate one for that purpose, but I won't be able to top this URL). I am not taking classes this summer as due to circumstances my parents won't be able to drive me (I could take online classes but need to be available to help them with the circumstances if need be). So I will have more time over the summer, and I would like to update the site a bit more.

~Maybe upload old art into it since I won't be using DeviantArt anymore after that whole AI debacle.
~I had thought about changing the colors but someone left a comment on my guestbook saying they liked my colors so maybe I will leave them for now.
~I would like to add more graphics and a better about me page.
~I don't know what sort of other content to add that isn't just talking about myself. I had ideas for articles I wanted to write for it back in 2020 but I don't want to write those specific ones anymore.

I watched a few videos for the "Programming for Everybody" course I'm taking and did the first assignment, however I tried to make a small program for fun and couldn't get it to work. Last time I tried to learn Python in 2017 I was coding simple games from the first day. I added 2 paragraphs and a graphic to my website. My aunt texted me wanting me to go shopping with her and my cousins' fiancees but the idea of that just made me too anxious. Every time I stand up today my head pounds and I can see my heartbeat. The solution to this should be to stay standing until all standing things are done but I'm so tired for no fucking reason. The couch feels like a magnet. Ugh. My brain feels like scrambled egg. I'm really frustrated with myself. I just feel like such a failure. Most people can work 40 hours a week AND get more done in the day than me.

I had deleted twitter because it had become very unhealthy for me, but I was planning on remaking once some stuff in my personal life that I don't want to go into publicly was over. However, before I could do that the actual Muskpocalypse happened. So I just didn't bother. May be here again more then I was the last two times I said that, may not be. Made a Cohost, may be there some and may not be. Depends on if it winds up getting popular or not TBH. My Cohost is @ rini but tbh although it's a great @ I may change it as I'm considering changing my name. I'd love to resurrect my Neocities as well, but since I did the bulk of the work on it during the initial quarantine I may just wipe it and start over. I have a tumblr for a specific interest that I want to keep as a separate persona, but I may remake a general/fandom once as well which I haven't had since pre-NSFW ban.

I like my username, I like how quiet and non-algorithmic it is. Only issue is it might even be TOO quiet. Depends if I can find enough active users to follow.

questionoftheday asks: Do you prefer living in a city or a country environment? Which do you live in now?

My answer:

Grew up in and currently live in the suburbs. It's alright. When I was younger I really wanted to move to a big city as soon as possible because I felt like my weird self would never find friends or anyone to be with romantically in a less densely populated area. I never got the opportunity to move. A couple years ago I visited Manhattan and it was fun for a few days but it was sensory overload. These days I think I might like to live in the country. I like nature, I like quiet. I'd like to have a garden. I'd need to be able to drive first, though, and I'd probably be lonely.

I hate working retail so much. I only have one more month left, thankfully. I'm leaving one of my jobs in January in order to take more classes in college. I'm just so dead right now in the meantime. I despise working so many hours but I need to save for next semester when I'll be working much much less. I'm being scheduled much more then usual due to holidays and the shifts are exponentially busier then usual. My boss has been assigning me a  "zone" of the store to stay in so I hardly even get a chance to talk to my one coworker I'm actually friendly with. The high school girls get to hang out behind the counter and chitchat. One girl hangs out with her boyfriend who just stays in the store the entire time she's working. When I get off work I'm too tired to think or do anything. My pants have had pizza sauce on them for a week because I'm too tired to do laundry.

The other day a gross Trump supporter asked me out. My coworker actually warned me about him after I spoke to him the first time and said he's a Nazi. He is basing it off him wearing a MAGA hat into the store once and getting butthurt we don't sell Trump merchandise. So Nazi may be an exaggeration, however he is a bad dude. Before I knew this he seemed very nice and charming. My coworker who knows him said he seems like he may be a sociopath. He thinks he wants to prey on me because he can tell I'm "weird". Not sure what that means in this context. I think he probably thought I was a lot younger then I am. I get mistaken for a high schooler often even though I am nearly 25 and have literal wrinkles on my face, I don't know. While I was on my break the other day he accosted me and asked for my number. I didn't know what to do so I said I had to get back to work RIGHT NOW and dashed off. I hate to be asked out or be flirted with by men, it makes me extremely uncomfortable whether the guy is being creepy or perfectly normal about it I just do not like it.

I hit my forehead twice yesterday. People kept throwing the all hats on the ground; while I was putting them back on the display I hit my head on one of the pegs. Who knows why they went with such long pegs for that display. Later, while I was at home taking my garbage out, I hit my head HARD on the corner of my dresser. Now 24 hours after the second hit my head is still really sore. I feel like my vision has been wonky ever since. I'm seeing a lot more afterimage type things and when I tried to read my right eye felt out of alignment, but I do tend to be a hypochondriac about stuff like that.

So yeah, the holidays are hell on earth for retail workers. I feel like a zombie. I'm really looking forward to Wednesday since it'll be my first REAL day off in a while. I didn't work as much last week, but I couldn't relax because of my final. I haven't had a day off since before my final. Of course one of my jobs will probably ask me to come in and I'll say yes because I need money for next semester. If I do get the day off my body will probably give up and I'll stay in bed the whole time.

I haven't posted because I have my comp sci final thursday. I haven't been studying as much as I should have been until today, but regardless my brain feels fried. I'm trying to let myself not worry about anything but my final until after my final is over. Worry about things such as work, chores, and whether laying in bed to use my laptop instead of sitting up is lazy have been postponed. I spent this evening alternating between making flashcards and relaxing activities. I made so many flash cards I am now out of index cards. This is a critical situation. If my mom doesn't have any I'll have to beg for an emergency ride to dollar tree before work tomorrow.